too many thoughts to think

last week i wrote a bit about dreams and am now a bit more confused about my dreams and ambitions. it seems they're almost split into 2 camps:
what i should be hoping for, e.g a job i enjoy (in theory just around the corner); the chance to move out and get some space, to get married, etc.
what i would love to do without any strings attached, in my ideal world.
and it's not to say these don't overlap at all, but i'm coming to realise that as you get older there are certain expectations of you, that you even put on yourself, and these then limit the 'ideal world' dreams, without you even realising it. but then surely we have choices, to do whatever God has called us to do with our lives, and if we follow him then in theory these should come to pass... if our dreams and his dreams for us are the same. there's so much to think about...

like, i know i'v been training this past year to prepare me for a certain job (careers adviser), and when i'm on placement a huge part of me loves it and is itching to finish the course so i can actually do the work full-time. but another part of me, i think is not quite ready to make that step. some of my friends have already applied for jobs, but it seems a bit soon for me. part of me is scared that once i have 'the job' i'll get sucked into the routine of working life, of 9-5's and limited holidays, and mortgages, and settling down, when there's still so much i want to do and see in the world. i want to go and explore, and live in different cultures, and write music, and learn instruments, and meet people and have freedom, and to help others who need it in tangible ways. some people are cynical when i say i'm a student careers adviser, " what, you can't decide what job to do so you tell other people what they should do", or, " is that seriously a job"?, and although i know it can really help people significantly i'm sometimes struck by the many other, and seemingly more important problems affecting people, and thinking i should maybe be doing something more worthwhile. but then who can place value on helping others, and what is more or less important? and is that really what it's all about?

i think not. maybe it should be, i just don't know. because if it was then issues like poverty and famine would be top priorities for people and communities, and governments, and countries and nations. instead there's millions of starving people, but look, our weapons are bigger than yours. i know it's not that simple, nothing ever is, but i think it's important to think about.

i guess this is what lying in bed for 3 days does to you! i need to go do some more now, all my energy has been sucked into thinking this much...

thanks to Elisa for beautiful pics!