where's your head at!?!

i think i may be slightly unfocused at the moment! today i freaked out after mistaking a piece of fluff for a giant (unmoving) spider; almost ate the sticker on my apple after biting into it; and walked into the men's toilet in east kilbride shopping centre!!!

took my last Careers class in Greenock Academy today- was better than i expected as 10 5th years actually chatted and discussed different points raised. i was trying to remember how i felt when i was at that stage, of not having a clue what to do, and being very naive about 'real-life' issues like finances and time management. i am now a little more clued up, but there is certainly room for development!!

i also booked my train tickets today, as i am off to sunny inverness on sunday for my 3 week placement! i'm looking forward to it, and the lovely jo is putting me up for my stay, so i have high expectations of wild nights out and... doing my own washing! not sure how much blogging will get done- i suspect one extreme of either very little due to lack of time/ internet access, or loads due to lots of spare time and only knowing 1 person to go for coffee with! dcfc gig this saturday- i'm so looking fwd to it!

prayer request

i haven't put any 'prayer requests' on here before but have an important one tonight. i know all prayers are important, but one of my close friends is having a horrendous time just now and desperately needs God in her life. she needs more help than i can give, and has been thru so much, and seems stuck in an endless cycle of hurt and confusion and general mess. please pray she knows she is not alone, and that God is real, and that He can help her and love her and be there for her. also please pray she doesn't do anything harmful, and will accept some much needed help and support.
thanks so much

seeking sleep and getting connected!

please oh please does anyone know of a cure for getting back into normal sleeping routines after the excuse of jetlag has expired? lack of sleep= exhaustion= feeling awful= bursting into tears when informing lecturer u feel awful and have to leave his class! not the best impression i admit, but he coped admirally and sought tissues!

last nite i watched the longest yard- it's a great film! entertaining, funny, moving, exciting, violent (slightly- it IS enormous men taking each other out at american football!), and had a bizzarre cast incl. Adam Sandler, Nelly, Chris Rock, stone- cold Steve Austin, Burt Reynolds, and a guy who is over 7 feet tall! quality!

other than that i have been:

• bloghopping and meeting new people: simon
• appreciating some fine illustration: lorna
• and wow, i just discovered a link to my blog from another- thanks gadget vicar!!

oh what sweet relief!

because... i DO have a ticket after all! phew, panic over! i was like, frantically searching on ebay and other websites, and it turns out Rich is much more organised and already got me one! hurrah!
oh yes, now i can't wait! Death Cab for Cutie, in like, 10 days!!

also,

HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY TO FIONA today!

HAPPY 3..ST BIRTHDAY TO JOANNE today!

HAPPY SECRET ENGAGEMENT to a SECRETLEY ENGAGED COUPLE I'M NOT ALLOWED TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT!!! until Sunday!

not quite 100%

ugh, i feel ill and stressed (so must emergency blog in the middle of typing more uni work!). i'v been feeling really sick again, quite a lot this week, and think i may have an ear infection/ virus/ something, i have no idea. i'm exhausted and have seen 4am more than i care to acknowledge since coming home from NY. AND, and this is the worst part, i went to get a ticket for dcfc, and they are SOLD OUT! i could'v bought 1 last nite, and didn't, and now, tonite, they are all gone :( so i am very sad.

man- i just got a call to say my gran was taken into hospital tonite, something to do with her pancreas. i don't even know how serious that is, but my mum's just going to meet them at the hospital.

hmm, my blog has been quite serious recently- i almost didnt blog tonite, cos i was thinking, no, its too negative, but then i thought, no this is my blog and i am not writing for an audience, so i will write what i feel like! altho u do kind of write for an audience, cos u wouldnt tell urself some of the stuff u put on here since u know it anyway. oh well, i will hopefully be back to full cheerfulness soon.

think think think...

today has been another think day. unproductive from the 'must do copious amounts of typing' side of things, but productive as i have been able to sift thru my cavern of thoughts, queries, illogical ideas, etc. and whilst i have not yet arrived at any fully rounded conclusions, i have come to accept that perhaps i never will. and that this is ok.
"it's good to talk" says BT, and i have to agree with them! having always been more of a verbal processor, it really helps to have people who are willing to mull over things with you, and not neccessarily seek out solutions immediately. but who are happy to journey along, working things out as we go.

suffering and God's role/ responsibility in it all is weighing heavily on my mind at the moment. i know all the sensible answers, but when you are really in the midst of feeling the pain and injustice the world pours out on others, it can be hard to remember that God knows best and has plans and purposes, to turn bad into good, and sadness into joy. honestly, it's hard to praise God and thank him (and there are so many good things, i know) when the hurtful and difficult and unjust things are so blatant, and screaming to be taken seriously and not glossed over with a 'God knows best' and 'trust God.'
which deep down i know are really the best things to do. it's just hard.

Précis

connection. power. beauty. attraction. curiousity. confusion.

turmoil. surface. below. deeper. return. void. chapter? era?

uncertain. fascinated. deceiving. escape. fleeting. anguish.

immobile. salt. tracks. sweet. love. enough? negative.

Jennifer Knapp- Refine Me

I come into this place
Burning to receive your peace
I come with my own chains
From wars I've fought for my own selfish gain

You're my God and my Father
I've accepted your Son
But my soul feels so empty now
What have I become?
Lord, come with your fire,
Burn my desires; refine me
Lord, my will has deceived me
Please come and free me
Refine me

My heart can't see
When I only look at me
My soul can't hear
When I only think of my own fears
They are gone in a moment
You're forever the same
Why did I look away from You
How can I speak Your name?

Lord, come with Your fire,
burn my desires; refine me
Lord, my will has deceived me
Please come and free me
Come rescue this child
For I long to be reconciled to You

It's all I can do
To give my heart and soul to You
And pray, and pray, oh I will pray

Lord, come with Your fire,
burn my desires; refine me
Lord, my will has deceived me
Please come and free me
Come rescue this child
For I long to be reconciled to You

Refine me; refine me

an awful lot to ponder

since arriving home my emotions have been a bit up and down.
up, because:

• i'v caught up with lots of friends
• i chatted for ages to kay, who is in -30 temp. in Kanadia!
• i didn't have to take a class on friday
• had another highly entertaining nite adventuring around with Lazza
• work was fun today, and i got the new Jennifer Knapp LIVE album!
• i'm reading a wonderful book that i am involved with!
• i bumped into an old school friend and had a lovely catch up (updates of some schoolies: tons of folk are engaged, one friend has had a boob job, and another also won flights in a competition!)

but down because:

• i'm not in new york anymore
• i am exhausted and slightly emotional (be warned of spontaneous bursts of tears!!)
• i'm about to finish my book, and it covered lots of issues that have made me stop and think again
• i have tons of uni work to do and it can all get a bit much
• i heard some really sad news about people i used to know

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the sad news is really a big prayer point. 2 guys my age (one i went to school with, david, and one the son of my dad's close friend) were both killed in separate car accidents last week. please keep the Sommerville's and the Nelson's in your prayers just now.

hearing of their deaths strikes home how volatile and unexpected life can be. i wasn't close to either of them but the sadness felt is very tangible. david's email address was survivor@....com. last week we visted Ground Zero, and it was a surreal place to be. the contrasts of the strong, concrete skyscrapers, looming over an enormous gaping hole; the bargain shoppers gaily swinging bags from Century 21 and having snowball fights, and the tears of those overcome by the sheer scale of the devastation. there are so many tragedies in the world, in global terms, and on a very intimate, personal level- it's hard sometimes to know what to do, or how to respond, or where to begin praying. last year after the tsunami i wrote a song, pouring these thoughts and confusions out, and ending with the conclusion that the very least we can do is pray. but then, as i was thinking, maybe instead of prayer being the least we can do, it is the best thing to do.

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sometimes it's so hard to pray. sometimes, if i'm honest, i doubt God will do a miracle, even tho i'v seen and experienced his amazing power. i wish i had more faith to fully truly believe, all the time. i can't help thinking that so many people leave this world without knowing the truth of God and what life is really all about. and that often i live my life, ignoring the truth of God or not fully pursuing the best life He can give, because i get caught up in 'stuff' that doesn't last or really matter. and i don't take every opportunity to share the faith i have, and give others the chance to respond, and hear, from me anyway, the truth about God. hmmm, and then u feel like u'v let God down; it's very easy to then doubt Him, and all the amazing things he has done, and to lose faith in your own gifts and abilities.

last week i was encouraging my little youth group to read their Bible's on a regular basis, and really believe what God is saying in it. note to self there i think. ugh, but i also hate that so much of life is all about me, and what i think. i realised today that i used to spend so much time helping other people, thru Open Doors; the prison ministry team; the youth group involvement; helping lead worship in church; spending loads of time with people who needed someone to listen. and now, i do bits and bobs, but most time is consumed with uni work, and i don't like that. i used to feel hopeful and optimistic that the small changes lead to the big changes, and that every little difference made, makes a difference. actually, i do still believe that, it's just that sometimes it all seems too much and i don't know where to begin. so it becomes to easier to do very little and let life wash over you, and distract yourself with the OC and other absorbing activities. escapism- a luxury that everyone can embrace, but is only every short-lived, then replaced by another form.

'this life is a temporary assignment'... so what am i doing with mine?

why am i still here!?!?

here as in typing and not sleeping; not here as in stranded in NYC due to excess snow, which there was high potential for!! how exciting- this wknd New York had it's highest EVER snowfall at 26.9 inches, and we were there in it!! sadly we didnt get stuck there, hence the reason i am now here, at home, back to normal life...

home sweet home is not so sweet, altho a bit warmer than the home of the big apple! (any clues as to why New York is aka 'the big apple'??)! i love it there, and i don't really want to be back here-that's 1 of the main problems with travel, i never want to come home!

we had the most amazing time, but i think i'll blog properly tomoro when i am back to being really excited and enthusiastic instead of exhausted and wistful! i have now been awake for... a very long time... seriously, why am i still typing and not sleeping..? something in me refuses point blank to go to bed at such an early time...altho it's really not early and is in fact...2:34am tomorrow!! oh wait, it's 5 hours behind, so that makes it...4:35 today! so i'v been awake for over 36 hours, and that cant be good! clearly...