up, because:
- i'v caught up with lots of friends
- i chatted for ages to kay, who is in -30 temp. in Kanadia!
- i didn't have to take a class on friday
- had another highly entertaining nite adventuring around with Lazza
- work was fun today, and i got the new Jennifer Knapp LIVE album!
- i'm reading a wonderful book that i am involved with!
- i bumped into an old school friend and had a lovely catch up (updates of some schoolies: tons of folk are engaged, one friend has had a boob job, and another also won flights in a competition!)
but down because:
- i'm not in new york anymore
- i am exhausted and slightly emotional (be warned of spontaneous bursts of tears!!)
- i'm about to finish my book, and it covered lots of issues that have made me stop and think again
- i have tons of uni work to do and it can all get a bit much
- i heard some really sad news about people i used to know
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the sad news is really a big prayer point. 2 guys my age (one i went to school with, david, and one the son of my dad's close friend) were both killed in separate car accidents last week. please keep the Sommerville's and the Nelson's in your prayers just now.
hearing of their deaths strikes home how volatile and unexpected life can be. i wasn't close to either of them but the sadness felt is very tangible. david's email address was survivor@....com. last week we visted Ground Zero, and it was a surreal place to be. the contrasts of the strong, concrete skyscrapers, looming over an enormous gaping hole; the bargain shoppers gaily swinging bags from Century 21 and having snowball fights, and the tears of those overcome by the sheer scale of the devastation. there are so many tragedies in the world, in global terms, and on a very intimate, personal level- it's hard sometimes to know what to do, or how to respond, or where to begin praying. last year after the tsunami i wrote a song, pouring these thoughts and confusions out, and ending with the conclusion that the very least we can do is pray. but then, as i was thinking, maybe instead of prayer being the least we can do, it is the best thing to do.
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sometimes it's so hard to pray. sometimes, if i'm honest, i doubt God will do a miracle, even tho i'v seen and experienced his amazing power. i wish i had more faith to fully truly believe, all the time. i can't help thinking that so many people leave this world without knowing the truth of God and what life is really all about. and that often i live my life, ignoring the truth of God or not fully pursuing the best life He can give, because i get caught up in 'stuff' that doesn't last or really matter. and i don't take every opportunity to share the faith i have, and give others the chance to respond, and hear, from me anyway, the truth about God. hmmm, and then u feel like u'v let God down; it's very easy to then doubt Him, and all the amazing things he has done, and to lose faith in your own gifts and abilities.
last week i was encouraging my little youth group to read their Bible's on a regular basis, and really believe what God is saying in it. note to self there i think. ugh, but i also hate that so much of life is all about me, and what i think. i realised today that i used to spend so much time helping other people, thru Open Doors; the prison ministry team; the youth group involvement; helping lead worship in church; spending loads of time with people who needed someone to listen. and now, i do bits and bobs, but most time is consumed with uni work, and i don't like that. i used to feel hopeful and optimistic that the small changes lead to the big changes, and that every little difference made, makes a difference. actually, i do still believe that, it's just that sometimes it all seems too much and i don't know where to begin. so it becomes to easier to do very little and let life wash over you, and distract yourself with the OC and other absorbing activities. escapism- a luxury that everyone can embrace, but is only every short-lived, then replaced by another form.
'this life is a temporary assignment'... so what am i doing with mine?
1 comment:
I felt sad reading this post
I had a cousin who was killed in a car crash when he was 21 that was in 1981 but this kind of trauma changes the psychological mindscape for those close to the scene and I don't think it would be possible to understand what a parent would go through.
The answer to all questions is Christ
That will be the answer but for now we just don't understand what's going on and we have to live on trust that he knows and that some day he'll explain it to us
I sometimes think of these verses in Daniel 3:16-18
the God whom we serve is able to rescue us but even if he doesn't we will still serve him.
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