are we just nosey?

tonite at dinner my mum actually choked on her soup when i said 'sex'!!! we were discussing the best way to burn calories, and needless to say, everyone was suitably startled! haha! i wonder if its true...?

i'm listening to radio 1 online jst now, so i could catch 'laura's diary'- does anyone else find it highly addictive!? there's something about hearing/ reading someone else's thoughts which is fascinating- don't deny it, u'r reading this here blog!!! i wonder why we enjoy reading about others so much- maybe since God designed us to relate to one another; maybe since we're just nosey! the only thing about just reading is that it doesn't really allow for proper relationships to develop. it's funny though, cos i feel like i kind of know fellow bloggers, even tho i may have never met them or see them quite sporadically! it's like a sneaky way of keeping in touch with people! so please feel free to introduce urself, who knows, we might even meet one day!

swinging makes me sick!

the river clyde runs thru Glasgow, and the clyde tunnel goes underneath it! today we drove thru the tunnel, and had to use the wipers cos there were so many drips... this concerns me!

panic has been slowly setting in over the past week or so, re: the amount of uni work we have to do. i have been on the pendulum of denial and panic, swinging from one to the other, neither being particularly conducive to getting said work done! this climaxed today in class when i almost had another panic attack, but my tutor soothed us all, and i realised the assignment i thought was enormous and terrifying is not actually, and i hadnt properly understood the task (she hadnt explained it properly though, but lets not blame!!)- major sigh of relief!

it's easy to lose perspective on life and the importance of things which really matter. like friendships, and family, and God. sometimes i get so stressed out and it takes someone or something to stop me short and re-assess my priorities!
even simply taking like, 10 mins to spend with God in a quiet place is so refreshing and really does put everything into perspective!

tonite i was scared... twice!

tonite i went to st silas, which once again was really good- thanx rev mcarthy- but im too tired and cold to expand on anything deeper- maybe tomoro! but afterwards i went to the pub, and at half 9 went to get a bus home. not my most inspired idea- the buses out there are so irregular and there is no timetable. eventually, after freezing for long enough i thought, aha, get the underground! so i walked down by kelvinbridge... and got scared!
it is badly lit, so u cant see if there's anyone hiding under the bridge or under the stairs! i have a wildly active imagination and am not particularly fond of the dark, so made a mad dash across the park, and car park, until i reached the underground. which, (please take note) at half 9 on a sunday nite, is closed. i was very jumpy by this point, and didnt have my panic alarm on me (girls, u should all have one!)( and take it with u!). so then i was like, oh no, i'll have to go all the way back across to wait on the bus. after psyching myself up for a while, i started heading across, only to chicken out/ think sensibly, as the bus sailed by !

my knight in shining armour then said he'd come and collect me (hurrah) so i walked to charing cross (cue second scare...). it was kinda quiet for such a normally busy road, and as i stood at the green man i sensed someone behind me. i turned round, to find a scary looking man hovering a little too closely. i slowed my walk, he passed by, then slowed his walk, to the point where i wanted to stop and tie my velcro shoes!! i was feelin very nervy by this point, but then i thought, no, be brave, smile friendly at him- he's less likely to mug u if ur nice to him!! so, i came level, smiled friendly, and said, 'brrr, it's cold tonite, eh'!? he smiled back, seemed a little less scary, then asked where i was going, what my name was, and told me he was single!!! haha- men!

so that was my kind of scary night- i know its a bit of a boring story really, but im home alone now, and im still feelin jumpy, so i dont really want to go downstairs yet! thanx for reading all the way thru- u will be rewarded for ur patience, i am sure!!
have a lovely, non-scary day!

perspex perspective?

life is short. sometimes we become acutely aware of just how short it is; everything else becomes a little sharper, and our perspective is refreshed on what really matters.
spending time with God does that too. it's all too easy to become completely stressed and focused on a problem or situation which is blown way out of proportion. time spent with God allows him to redefine our thinking, our motivations, our obsessions.

it enables him to give us new strength to cope with situations that are hard to take in, and encourages us to chat to him more, and let him in on all of who we are. i remember someone once saying that he's not going to force his way in and will only fill whatever space we make for him, so it's a conscious effort on our part to not fill our lives with things that won't last. interesting...

my wknd and some ponderments!

fun weekend had :) my uncle stu, (the forever wandering soul, who now lives in london now, but randomly pops up in the strangest of places!) called on friday to say him and his gf sally were comin to glasgow for wknd! after meetin them for a very rushed drink last nite, my dad and i took them to loch lomond this afternoon! i haven't seen him in 4 years, but he's still my favourite- we're surprisingly similar (altho his hair is much greyer and a little shorter!) and apparently my cousin, Cara is my double!

went to st silas again tonite on my own, i think im gettin very brave (see blog entry 'tonite i was scared... twice' for more examples of my braveness!!) but sat with a guy i'v got to know a bit, and then made many more friends after at the pub! church was excellent, based on James 2 v1-13- once again i came away with lots to mull over.

chris made an interesting point tonite, that we don't really appreciate what God's grace is, and if we did we'd be living very differently (kind of what i was thinkin about a few weeks ago). he gave the example of a charity he's been involved with, Hazel's footprints, and the way in which everyone involved has been highly motivated and inspired to make a difference to others after the life and death of Hazel, who was killed in a car accident last year.
they have been working tirelessly to raise awareness and funds for the charity and are fully committed to it, in honour of Hazel and all she meant to them.

as christians, how motivated and inspired are we to make a difference to others after the life and death of Jesus? do we work tirelessly to make others aware of all He has done? are we fully committed in all we do to make sure others know about the difference God makes to those who choose to follow Him? are we even allowing God to make our own lives any different?

Hazel's footprints will undoubtedly change people's lives; think of how much more God will do, in us and thru us, if we let Him! yeah!

one fine day...

well, i am pleased to report today was much more enjoyable, but anyone still feeling my pain could send chocolate, if you felt so inclined!!! got some meaty reports due in at uni soon so will most likely have blog entries by the dozen over the next few weeks! chris is going to st andrews tonite to stay with dave, and i'm a little jealous! I, on the other hand, get to spend time with some delighful 14 year olds, tidy my room, sort all my notes, and research- I am so enviable, I know. today one of my uni girls brought in home baking and we all indulged in delicious malteser cake- she's promised us shortbread next! I, however, will be declining due to my new quest for ultimate fitness and healthy living (which, by the way, is not quite going to plan yet- but i have planned it out now, and will begin properly next week!). i now must go and spend some time with neighbours and later on, some desperate housewives- i am just so giving to others!!!

a small rant

tonite i am tired and a little disheartened. i have spent the day with people who have actually moaned non-stop. this gets a little wearying. i have spent the day with people who have replaced ALL adjectives with swear words. this too gets a little wearying. i have spent the day with my friends, who i do love, but today have left me weary and not keen to rush on back for more chat. i'm not saying i never moan, or even never swear (altho if i do it is a rare occurrene!), just that being surrounded by negativity all day makes it hard to stay positive.

and there is nothing more frustrating than people who talk and ignore the lecturer, who is explaining an exercise we are about to do, then turn to moan that it wasn't explained properly and that this whole thing is ****** *****, and they don't get the point. uh, duh, listen to the explanation, stop moaning and complaining and stop asking ME to explain it all again to YOU!!! AAAAAARGH!

maybe wednesday will be better...

p.s. the name calling in class is increasing (added to 'freak 'is now 'little miss morals' and 'the too nice girl'!) it's like primary school all over again, although this time everyone's much older, it's much more affectionate, and without any chinese burns!

welcome to the world!

my friends have just had a baby!!! she is absolutely adorable, 2 days old and called Grace. i am still completely astounded at the whole birthing process! the way a pregnant woman has a tiny person being formed inside of her! we saw Grace tonight and i was looking at her little hands and fingernails - they are so teeny and beautiful!! this morning we were discussing creation, and i was suddenly hit with the fact that no two people have the same fingerprint! in the entire world! how can people doubt the existence, and genius, and creativeness of God?

an evening with Dar Williams

It's dark. The room is not quite full, 150 or so. There are 4 women, 4 guitars and an array of melodies. 4 distinct styles, although all encased under the umbrella of 'folk' music. It was so beautiful- to sit anonymously and be swept up into the 4 world's inviting us to share in their experiences and heartbreaks and notions. I was aware of the audience; of the ambience we shared and our individuality.

But for that one night we were a collective, each drawn from our own worlds into the fusion of melodies, sweetened by lyrics which were poignant, moving and real. It struck me as I sat in the dark, that despite the beauty and insight each artist displayed, they had each missed the crucial element that really makes life worth living. I came away a little wistful, a little thoughtful and a little more drawn to Dar.


l -->r: dave, debs, dar, naomi, me

oh yes, and i shall run

i have decided to run the women's 10k!
this year i am going to get fighting fit, lose some weight and enjoy a brand new healthy lifestyle! go me go! in saying that i have just indulged in some snacky cracky cheese heart crackers, but our cupboards are bare and desperate times...!

tonite i'm off to see Dar Williams, thanx to Dave introducing me to her this week! i love her! so i'm quite excited, and i also get to see Richard and Erin who i shared a flat with for Clan Gathering the past 2 summers! they are very cool, and Erin is my fellow-member of the 'telling the most boring stories club'! today has been a fun pyjama day which began by watching 'Sweet Sixteen', where spoilt american kids get their parents to spend outrageous amounts of money on their sweet 16th party! yesterday was fun too- our lecturer made a boring topic very interesting (in contrast to the day before, where the very interesting topic of psychology was made mind-numbingly dull, shudder) and i met friends for coffee at 5:30, 7:30 and 9:30 respectively! altho i don't drink coffee, just peppermint tea! i'm going to wear my new pink twirly skirt tonite- love it!

in honour of laura

this here blog is officially dedicated to laura, who is hurt she has not yet had a proper mention. my sincere apologies to u, dear lazza. u r a cool chic who also gave me most excellent christmas gifts worthy of mention.

but in fact, one of them has already been mentioned. and there's already a mention of u on here! and a photo! ... 2 in fact!! and you'v left a comment! what is this? are u trying to run my blog?? to take over and make it ur own?? if i were to use one of my new words right now i'd say i was umbrageous: 1. to feel offence or resentment! be warned!

"freedom is the oxygen of the soul..."

some nites, like tonite, i really wish i lived in a flat with all my studenty friends. to always know there's someone there u can hang out with, and have fun, or have deep late night chats. to live in total community with others, and all ur differences and quirks and irritations! i know some people might end up frustratin you til u want to bang ur head off a wall, but i'd love to get to that point and be totally free to do that if i wanted to!
sometimes we live our lives far too embedded in society and their expectations of what is normal and defined as good behaviour. just now i'm reading 'veronica decides to die', (by paulo coelho), where veronica is discovering the world inside the psychiatric hospital is much more liberating and free than the outside world. because inside there is no discipline, and people can do as they please and blame it on being 'mad'. it's a great book of discovery, of the different 'you's' that exist underneath the 'you' you project; it presents the challenge of being completely yourself, no apologies or masks to hide behind. although some things in our natures need constrained, depending on how much hurt it could cause. because if we all just did exactly as we desired the world would be in an even worse state than it is now. or would it..? i guess it depends on what we really desired to do. hmmm....

'Freedom is the oxygen of the soul.' ~Moshe Dayan

as i sit and cogitate!

oh my goodness! i have so much expendable energy right now! maybe i'l go a run or something, altho im not a big fan of the dark so possibly not! or perhaps i'l stick on my britney dvd and dance along to ' outrageous'!! if only dave were here! today i was havin lunch with chris, my dad and mark, and i said how i had started alphabetising my cd's (altho got bored and realised how monica that was!), and they all gave me these weird looks and started laughing, saying that alphabetise is just another word i'v made up!! i was so adamant that it was real, so fished out my handy collins dictionary, and there on page 21:

alphabetise: 1. to arrange in alphabetical order. 2. to express by or provide with an alphabet

so there! the dictionary is actually really interesting, i also learned some additional words to enhance my vocabulary:

cogitate; to think seriously and deeply about; to ponder; consider

so really this blog is a cogitation of my thoughts! look out for more new words, coming soon...!

we are all onions (go with the layers theme, not the making people cry!)

there is so much hidden in us that we are completely oblivious to and unaware of. things we haven't ever realised affect us; who we are as a person; why we behave in certain ways; the ways we respond and react to different triggers. the way we are so affected by some things and not others. the way we, sometimes vividly, remember a comment made by someone, and the effect that has had on who we are and how we live our lives. or when another person has some insights into who we are, when they see something in us that we thought we had well-hidden, or were even unaware of.

this is all a bit vague but i know what i mean. but then even how much i know is limited to my conscious thought. my subconscious may be directing my thoughts, protecting me with denial or reppression or displacement, and i don't even know it.

i am still reading Captivating, and one of the key topics it focuses on is beauty.
the truth that everyone is made beautiful, as we are made in God's image, and God is the epitomy of beauty and all it holds and represents. it's not a topic i'v ever given much thought to, but as i read something resonated in me and i knew exactly what the author was talking about- the disillusions we have and how they affect us. and it's not something i ever thought i had cause for concern on- in short, it's not something i thought was worth thinking about, not flippantly but in the sense of stopping to think about what i think beauty is and what it truly means.a while ago i wrote a song about being made in God's image, and some of the lyrics were:

He loves you as you are
and he made you in His image
your life's laid bare before His eyes
but He refuses to compromise
because He made you in His image.

the words are simple because it's simple really but i don't think we really get it. because if we did then i think we would all live and think completely differently. in fact, i think if we really 'got' who God is, like really truly believed what we say we believe, our lives would be so radically different.

think of the miracles, of the healings and prophecy, of lives completely transformed- of all God could actually accomplish in us and through us if we truly believed! this will be my goal.

bonus for being good?

i have just checked my bank balance and out of nowhere has appeared £270! how exciting! i'm expecting some money soon, but not that amount and not for another few days- hmm! won't rush out to buy new shoes just yet!

official word count 2149...

so i deserve a break! actually, if im being honest i'v been blog-reading for the past half hour anyway! does anyone else find these totally addictive!?

today has been good. better than yesterday. most of yesterday i cried and stayed in my pj's til well past 3. some days u just have to do that. i hadn't in a long time; it's funny how things change. a couple years back i spent most days doing that but i'm so glad God had more exciting plans for my life. i'm excited about this year. for some reason this new year feels different. i'v never felt that before, but inside me something has changed. my hopes seem more substantial; my dreams seem nearer achievement; i'v managed to let go of some wishful thinking and move on. almost. some things u just have to let go of, as much as u want to hang on, because it's hard to progress in life when ur clinging to the past.

looking ahead is the way forward...

a little way down memory lane

in our class yesterday we had to do role plays using a careers guidance tool to help people think about where their ideas of what they wanted to do came from and what some of their influences were. it was interesting hearing people's backgrounds and how their ideals and hopes were developed. i was being the 'client' and had to think back to all the different ideas i'd had when i was a kid- i had no idea i had so many!

my list looked a bit like this:



age 4-5 - a dancer
age 6-8 - a singer
age 8-10- a fashion designer
age 10- a radio DJ or a puppeteer!
a bit older than that- a journalist or author

i also went thru a phase of wanting to be a rugby player, but it didnt last long!

what did u want to do when u were younger? did u ever end up doing it?

i could do uni work or...?

well, another essay is due which means my blog has beckoned me to distract myself. i shall permit this for no more than 10 mins, then return to the world of careers guidance. my brother mark has been making me listen to Jeff Buckley, maybe u'v heard of him. his songs are so deep, quite morose but very multilayered. he has an unusual stlye that i like. i'v also been properly listening to The Arcade Fire , who are now demanding full command of my cd player! maybe i'm a bit behind every1 else, who discovered them months ago, but thats ok- i dont mind playing catch up!

happy coincidences..?

tonite i went to St Silas. i've only ever been to the cushion nite's before, so thought id pop over for a more regular service! i bravely went alone and was a bit apprehensive (i don't normally do things on my own but sometimes u just have to!) but it was great! once again it was so relevant to where i'm at just now, life at the moment is... bizarre in some ways, i'm thinking thru lots of things, which coincidentally keep popping out in the strangest of places! like a random customer who always comes in and will happily talk at u for 30 mins at a time came in the other day, said one (completely relevant and helpful) thing to me, and left again! and bits of books i'v been reading which i have stumbled across by chance, where it's as tho someone else has put my thoughts down on paper. and lines in songs i wouldn't normally listen to, but sum up exactly how i feel, and music where the sound itself says it all without the need for words.

and so once again tonite i realised how clever God is. and how much i don't believe in coincidences or chance.

watch your language..!

why we do we use such insular terminology when we chat about God/life/Christianity at church? i know some phrases summarise a concept or truth nicely, but people so easily jst throw them around without really thinking about what they mean- 'earning the right to share'; 'being saved'; 'doing the Kingdom work'! this might be ok within a 'church' environment when others generally get what u mean, but since most of our time is spent outwith this, with people who don't know the lingo, no wonder christians might find it challenging to explain their faith and beliefs to others!

as i was dusting the shelves of Wesley's yesterday i came across some interesting reads which i plan to delve into on my long and lonely bus rides to uni (i go back tomorrow!). They are:

The Naked Christian (Doug Brendel)

You're an Angel (Peter Neilsen & David Currie)

at the moment i'm reading Captivating (John & Stasi Eldridge), which i initially thought looked like a cheesy, feminine, soul-search. so far it's a little cheesy, and has had some very varied reviews, but on the whole i'm enjoyin it, and it has thrown up some interestin ideas that are making me think!

toast in the post...

my random friend craig spent today at work tryin to work out the best way to post toast! he broached the question with us tonite and we decided the best way would be in a plastic bag- it's the least messy, and probably surest way for ur toast to arrive at its destination unscathed! however, having been on the website and seen how fellow toast post-ers post their toast, perhaps some glue or marmalade would indeed do the trick...

http://www.toastinthepost.com/

the possibility of fire

this makes for interesting reading- i dont quite get him.

the possibility of fire

sometimes i wonder...

at the moment i know of 10 engaged couples- that is a lot. i just finished reading a great book, and the best character , Holly, falls in love with Tom, her upstairs neighbour, but thinks it'll never happen cos he has a girlfriend, and gets engaged. she suspects he likes her too but nothing ever properly happens btwn them, then she runs out of his engagement party and doesnt see him for like, 5 weeks. in the end he breaks off his engagement and has known he has loved her, almost since they met. so the girl gets the guy. Stella, the oldest sister falls in love too, but with a divorced guy who;s kids hate her. in the end she bonds with them, becomes pregnant, and they live happily ever after. the girl gets the guy. The other sister Tara has been 6 months married to Finn, and discovers he has an alcohol addiction. she cant cope with their failing marriage and sleeps with a guy from work; Finn leaves her and finally, he comes home, they forgive each other, and the girl gets the guy.

in books the girl always gets the guy. thats why people love to read novels- nice things happen, bad things happen, and then everything works out. because life isnt like that. people have to resort to fantasy and fiction to satisfy themselves and their own wishes. characters in books always forgive each other and they rarely portray more realistic occassions where someone is devastated forever, and even tho they appear happy, deep down they're always insecure or hurt or destroyed. its scary how much things we do and say can impact other people. like how saying yes or no to something can change everything forever. Sliding Doors shows both outcomes of the main character catching a train or not. if only we could do that and fast fwd real life, then rewind so that no-one else knew or would get hurt. then we could choose wisely, altho maybe we'd still choose a way that hurt someone less than it satisifed yourself. im not usually a 'what-if ' kinda person, but sometimes i wonder...

Beautiful wedding!

on October 21st, 2005, my wonderful friends Adam and Jill got married!! they just got their official photos back and i had to get this one of all of us, no-one even has their eyes shut, or is grinning like a monkey! it was such a great day, one of the best weddings i've been to! love it!

from <>: top row= alison, me, adam, jill (mrs neil to u and me!), suz and anne
bottom row=scott, chris, craig, graeme!